i am at a negative calorie number for the day {-320}. i just had so much to do and work lasted for 19 hours, long hours. on my feet most of that time, running around and actually blotting sweat off my face and cleavage a few times. i am assuming more cals were burned that what i subtracted from my intake, but so be it, i am only counting the for sure aerobics and whatnot. i had tried to eat a huge ham croissant sandwhich that was at the lunchroom today, but i couldn't do it. i tried to talk myself into it; i tried to take a mouthful and chew it. my mouth too dry for it and had to take a huge drink of lemonade just to wash it down :( no appetite whatsoever. i saved it and all the sides {it came in a box-lunch, similar to Jimmy-Johns} and just kept it in my office all day. i did manage to pick at the ham later on between patients, however, i felt so nauseous that i didn't finish the slippery little skinny slice. on another note, i ended up hiring a maid for yesterday, and am happy with her work. i have had so many bad experiences with these in the past few years, so it was a relief to not have any drama. my house is pretty as a picture, and our Christmas decorations are sweet... i just want to stay home and look at them all day and night! LOL i did have my son {9 years old btw} cuddle with me in the rocking chair for a little while last night, and we were just talking and looking at the lit-up tree. it was so comforting and reminded me of all of his life and his great attitude and appearance, etc. i could go on forever about him; i always have and will i think. on another note: looks like we will be traveling and visiting family for the holiday afterall. i am so happy to be seeing everyone again! funy -- it was just Thanksgiving and i saw them all -- but, i miss them so much again. and i get to see my parents again too!! LOL i need to be with my dad right now, but i will wait until then. he went back home and is so very tired today it just breaks my heart to see him this way. he is the strongest mmost hardworking man i have ever met. and now he is sleeping and ill :( and to know this is chronic for him now.... uhk. makes my heart sink into my stomach and i cry. but you know, he is still alive; he is still hre and able to enjoy his grandson and i can appreciate that in itself. *whew* tomorrow i shall try to get some oatmeal down me with blueberries in it first thing in the morning, with my coffee. i am trying to brainwash myself into looking forward to it so i can hopefully develop an appetite for it. but so far, not exactly working. my stomach is grumbly, i am drinking herbal sleepy tea, but hunger is not being felt. i should be hungry. but i think my ability to feel real hunger has officially left the building. i have lost physical weight ~~ just not mental weight. about 3 pounds since last friday... am i happy? no. do i feel i look different?? no. do i want to look thinner? i don't know anymore... it is just kindof happening. strange, it is almost a daze to think about it anymore; i am so surrounded by the neverending numbers and fat spot feeling, that i just am in a whirwind of sorts, and spinning and spinning is truly how my head feels about anything to do with food, weight, numbers... i can't look at numbers of lab results during the day with out a thought of "oh, 96... i was 96 pounds..." and it is completely unrelated to what it is i am reading. i am going for a run in the morning, outside was the plan but somesnow arrived today (to put it lightly)... so treadmill or elliptical in the basement is where you may find me in your thoughts! lol i love that our exercise equipment is in the basement at our new house; i can be on them and as loud as they are, my husband will never here it in the upstairs where he lay.. speaking of laying... tonight' theme --- only oral & toys; and if either one of us breaks that rule?? --- spankings with the paddle brush and hardcore rough f*ckin will be the result.... one of us will break, trust me.. who can resist? who can withstand JUST oral for a long time without panting out needs for human meat? LOL g'night my journal and m'ladies...

Tags: ~ beware: food talk, ~ this..damn..ed...... i'm currently : home, the library. soon bed <3 the music in the waiting room is...: vivaldi  

 i am not happy about the whole lunch thing today!  i had to purge.  no way around it, nope.  made a special trip to get some water before i even ordered, and i picked at my food ... i was planning the puke session while i had to eat with them (>_<) grrrr...  makes me feel so dirty and as if i have let someone down, even though there is noone that i let down, except myself i suppose.  i wanted to stay mostly empty for as long as possible.  pfff.  i guess i know by now that it never works the way i want.  that is the way it goes once you choose to make a family of your own, or just be a part of your family's life.  so the battle continues.  the worst part is, i am worried about seeing numbers on the scale tomorrow morning at my weigh-in time.  it has been yet another week.... sigh.  idk.  i must have lost weight mathmatically.  but.  physically, i feel i have def gained.  i worked out a bit this week on top of all that was going on, so i am happy about that at least!  however, i don't feel as though i have accomplished enough sweating :(  i just know i didn't do enough cardio to really have made a difference.  and that makes me sad as hell.  i just feel like i am trying so hard and wearing myself out so bad, and for what???  so the scale can laugh at me.  and so the scale can ruin my day.  my week!  my life... i am also too scared to measure.  yeah, that will not take place on my furry white rug in the morning!!  no, no.  no way.  i believe that would be my downfall into the dark depression chamber of my mind.  not good.  not good at all.  so i continue to not know where i stand ~~ what has changed for better or for worse.  i am trying to stay positive, but i just keep imagining the numbers!!  and i can't be optimistic!  i just can't =(   i need to shrink; i am too big, too flabby, too round.  the ol'man likes my tits bigger like this but i just shudder thinking about the fat inside of them -- how fucked up is that!  i am totally in to tits that i can grab a handful of -- and yet, as i play with my own, all i can think about is the weight they will add to the scale.  and that isn't normal!  it just isn't right.  and i realize that -- and that is what i hate. and now??  now i am cravin for egg whites and diced tomatoes.  what the hell.  i don't want to eat anything more, yet i crave that of all fucking things.  with salt.  my salt sense is tingling!! lol    man...  how is that?  that we can crave and NOT be fuckin hungry.  and have no intention of eating for days..... and then shizam!!!  "craving, table for one!".  you know i will be dreaming about it in my mind until i cook it.  fuckin fatty mcpatty fatbacks.  god i hate this body so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  this mind that leads me to it also.  apologies for the cranky post.  i didn't even think i was going to type a lot either, and then: whoop, there it is <3