Hey guys.  its been awhile since ive been on here.  a lot hashappened and at the same time not much has changed.  I am so conflicted...there are days when i really want to get better because i cant do this anymore and i get scared of dying.  yet i am so scared of getting fat and any weight gain.  no matter how thin i am i feel so fat. i hate looking at pictures of myself because i think i look so fat.  people tell e that i am not fat an am too thin, but i just don't see it.  Sometimes i really hate Ana yet i can't bare the thought of not having her in my life. Anybody else feel like this?

I was wanting to start a fast tomorrow, anyone want to join me????

 Does anyone else ever wish that sometimes this could just be over....that the ED would just go away and to hell with everything maybe even try eating today?  I get like that sometimes but then when it comes down to it I can't do it and I get scared.  If i do eat I engage in other negative behaviors to get rid of the food (laxatives, diuretics and exercise.)  I can't purge anymore...not sure why, my body just won't let me do it anymore....any tips on how to be able to purge again??

Anyway, everytime I think I want to get well and not live THIS life anymore I get scared of getting fat and all that other stuff...I feel like I am caught in a vicious cycle.  Sometimes I wonder what does it really matter what the scale says...does that 1 or 2 pounds really make a difference....but YES it does, at least to me!

My therapist doesn't understand why I am not better, even had to go to ER at the hospital because of ANA, yet I can't give it up.  I hate having an eating disorder, it's so consuming, yet at the SAME time it's very comforting and reassuring....and I don't know if I can give it up.....

Any words of wison would be welcomed.  I've been wanting to do a complete fast but am scared because then if you eat anything u gain weight, is that true???

Hey guys, it's been awhile for me since I've been on the site and what a roller coaster it has been.  I could DESPERATELY use some "thinspiration".

I was doing sooooo good, eating nothing but yogurt.....my therapist told me I had to start eating more or I would be in the hospital...........but it's like there is no happy medium with me.  I either don't eat  or I don't stop eating and of course I eat the foods u shouldn't touch.

I am so mad at him for making me do this...I have gained 3.5 lbs. I took laxatives and purge but all I can think about now is food and eating but I don't want to eat.  I think my therapist has pushed me into bulimia.  I want to get on track and back to just yogurt but I am finding it so hard to get back in that mindset......PLEASE HELP ME

I am thinking of doing a fast for a few days with nothing but water....has anyone else done this? Does it Work??????

please help....i have been eating nothing but yogurt for weeks, maybe months.  Lately when I get home from work I carve sweet things and give into the temotations....then I purge.  I probably eat 500-600 calories when I give into the temptation, otherwise I only eat 200 cal/day.

I need tips on what to do when I get home from work to fight these temptations and not to give in.  I don't want to end up bulimic.

I feel like I can't live with my ED but it would be worseto live without it.  For the longest time I was doing sooooo  good, only eating yogurt...now I find myself more and more eating "unsafe" foods and then throwing up & then hating myself afterwards.  I hate throwing up.  I have to be careful, I don't want this ANA thing to turn to MIA because I fear that would be a lot harder to control, plus I hate throwing up.

I have to get myself back on track!!!  It's worse being on holidays, at least when I am at work I keep myself busy and am not tempted by food.  I go back to work tomorrow thank god!

It's funny, I woke up at 5:45 am...I thought for sure the scale would read something different...but it didn't.  The same fucking number for like the 4th or 5th day in a row....i'm gonna freak out.

It's funny how the difference of 0.2 can have such an impact on my day/life.

I hate this......................

I am going away next weekend...to an eating disorder treatment place.  I am really scared but at the same time looking forward to getting away from everything.  Apparently the first weekend you are there they let you do anything and eat as little or as much as you want.  I plan on using this to my advantage and losing more weight when I am in there.  As much as I iwish I could just be normal again and eat a normal meal like everybody else I am not ready to get better yet, I need to go below my goal weight first before I can look at recovery. 

I feel so frustrated.  For weeks I've been eating only 200-300 calories per day...yet I don't seem to lose the weight quick enough.  Once in awhile I may slip up and end up eating like 500 calories in a day and I hate myself for it.  Any suggesstions?